My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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