I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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