just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
