the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
