Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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