I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
