forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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