youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
