Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
