Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Randomize
