So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I've blown a few things in my day
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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