sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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