Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
