i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
