Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
