is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
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he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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