I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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