Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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