A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
