I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
