Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
