Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
