i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
