obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
