If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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