I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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