i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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