so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
