I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
