I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
