my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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