Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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