I was born with a shot glass in my hand
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
