Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
