please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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