he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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