My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
