need another drink. this is the easiest way
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
