he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
