There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
