Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
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