I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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