The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
