I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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