Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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