Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
