I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
