the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
