like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
