I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
