I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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