i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
